Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.