Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
being a writer on Twitter:
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick