I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]