If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.