Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My Alexa only responds when I鈥檓 shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I鈥檓 not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I鈥檝e learned it鈥檚 not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The part I don鈥檛 like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don鈥檛 get solved.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it鈥檇 still be 3 pages long.