My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad