Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings