Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
i- i did not expect this