As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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Are you ok, human???
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.