*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
damn he’s good
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.