“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Bond. Trauma bond.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Breaking news:
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The funk soul brother
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.