No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I think this should do it.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do