Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Pass gas, not judgment.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
We’ve all been there…
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.