I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?