The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing