PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.