I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
our love story in four pictures
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Finally!
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
sir, my pâté if you please
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
nobody’s gonna understand
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Respect