Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Does your wife know you’re single?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Well, that should do it
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]