“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry