Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn鈥檛 stop laughing because those two can鈥檛 find anything.
5: I鈥檓 bad at this puzzle
Me: you鈥檙e trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you鈥檙e bad at it
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Two wolves? Cute. I鈥檝e got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Coworker: I didn鈥檛 know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I鈥檒l interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee