Meanwhile in Portland…
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Story of my life…..
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”