calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants