omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Botany good plants lately?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.