a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.