Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast