Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.