Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.