I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.