What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
lmao
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.