I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Just a reminder, folks: