“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
uncle dave has been through hell
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.