Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer