Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement