As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.