I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i can’t wait that long
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.