me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST