Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door