“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.