Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright