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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance