three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk