You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I can’t wait!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Mmmm canned fish.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.