My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Shower sex be like:
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.