well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
That’s no pocket rocket.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.