“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
bout dat hot dog summer
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok