I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Body by sandwich.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good