me doing my best
You Might Also Like
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
brian had himself a morning…
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Are you ok, human???