[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.