If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You Might Also Like
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.