“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????